Archive for the ‘Personal Writings’ Category

still here part duex

Saturday, July 5th, 2008

Here I am again to warn you… POETRY ALERT!!
After typing down these poems, I realized that this is often how I write poetry. I try not to think about them too much, but I blast them out as quickly as possible, which is why, as you’ll find out, instead of naming the poems, I just gave them the date and time that I wrote them. Plus, I find that giving names to poems is often more time consuming than actually writing the poems.
I also want to let you know that I am not depressed. These poems may allude to a great inner turmoil. I am sad, but I’m not even sad all the time. I usually get into my “poetry mood” by putting in a Sting cd (especially “Soul Cages”) or listening to my “sad mix” on my mp3 player, mostly Whale Rider, which if you have seen it, you’ll understand. I also don’t make a habit of writing happy poems. Its not really my thing. I don’t think I will ever be allowed to write children’s poetry. Shel Silverstein and Jack Prelutsky I am not.
***
Here’s the original message:
I’ve not been up to writing. Every time I think about writing, I see that post and.. blah. However Jeff has been pestering me to write again, so I figure I should. When I say I haven’t been writing, that’s not absolutely true. I have a paper journal that I sometimes write in. One night in June I wrote almost a dozen poems about feeling bummed and helpless. I started to think that since my sister can get up the courage to put her poetry up on her blog… I guess I can too. They’re really awful, so I warn you now. Of course you won’t see this until after you read my stuff, so maybe I should warn you after too. :)

BTW, I’m doing better, but then I get to thinking about it, or I see a very pregnant person and I get all melancholy. Its interesting though, if I have to let someone I haven’t seen in a while know about it I feel like I need to console them and let them know its okay. Maybe that’s the public servant in me, needing to make sure that everyone’s okay.

06/24/08 11:40 pm

Saturday, July 5th, 2008

sometimes I feel
so beat down
so hollowed out
I no longer feel real
a rag doll
with the stuffing removed
a book with the pages torn out
an empty ripped up bag
*
I feel sometimes
like no one understands
I am alone and stranded
in a dark and treacherous land
unable to see
I trip and stumble
I scrape my knees
there is no one to guide me
no one to settle my thoughts
no one to put me at ease
no one to set me free
*
I sometimes feel
old and used up
dry and brittle
ancient and alone
waiting for the moment to come
that one moment to change my life
but it never does
I call out
hoping for an answer back
but in the darkness
all I hear is my echoing question
over and
over and
over again

****
BTW, I don’t really feel that way. I know that I am truly blessed with some great friends that look out for me and offer me support. Many of you read my blog. I’d say that you can’t even begin to imagine how much you guys mean to me right now, but I think you can… which helps even more because you know how I feel. I try letting people know that I’m okay, and mostly I am, but on nights like these I just get so bummed when I absentmindedly rub my belly, thinking the baby is there or when I see an outfit that I’ve already bought, or I think about what the baby might have been like. On those nights I just want to spend some time being sad. I’m not depressed. I can be happy. How could I not be happy when I have such a joy in my life? Jack is so precious to me. I cannot even imagine what I would do without him, and I do not wish to imagine what I would do.
Anyway. I just want to say thanks.

06/24/08 11:36 pm

Saturday, July 5th, 2008

some moments
I just feel
so old
so used up
so tired
and it makes me wonder
why
why do people do this
day after day after day
and then
I look in his deep brown eyes
my eyes
and I hear his laughter
and I see his crooked smile
so pure
so innocent
and I begin to realize
this is why I go on
day after day after day
just to soak up his sunlight
and hear his laughter
this is why

06/23/08 11:00 pm

Saturday, July 5th, 2008

who am I
to expect any more
when I desire the world
and I am handed
a small crumpled piece of paper
and empty promises

where can I go
to open my wings
to open my mind
and let myself soar

06/23/08 10:45 pm and 10:53 pm

Saturday, July 5th, 2008

These poems were really too awful to post, but I thought I should let you know that I wrote them.

06/23/08 10:36 pm

Saturday, July 5th, 2008

wake up
wake up
WAKE UP!

was it all a nightmare
you’re still not here with me
and I can feel the emptiness
a tight hard ache in my chest
can this be removed and
tossed away?

why can’t I just forget
I was frightened too
even though you’ll never know
I can never forget
the feel of you was too real
to fleeting before you were gone
and I was alone again

alone with my thoughts
and this tightness in my chest
that will not go away

06/23/08 10:29 pm

Saturday, July 5th, 2008

who were you to be
would you give good kisses
warm hugs
and laugh as bright
as the sun
would you find every moment
just as precious as I do
even when I must spend it
without you

would you cry
when mommy has to leave
or would you forget
as soon as the door has closed

I can never forget
tiny hear beats
tiny flutters
tiny hands
I will never see

would you have been
a good person
sharing your smile
with the world

I will never know

06/23/08 10:23 pm

Saturday, July 5th, 2008

why are there no answers
only questions
left unfulfilled
such pressure
I am buzzing with it
immense
unfathomable
I know I will never
ever
break from its grip
I am trapped
with no where to go
no going forward
no going back
and definitely no standing
still
oh if only my
heart my
mind
would slow
down
to
release this
awful
pressure

06/23/08 10:15 pm

Saturday, July 5th, 2008

a light breeze
brushes away the hairs
tickling my face
tenderness
I need so much right now
so slightly
I smell lilacs
before they are gone

I feel anger
building
bubbling
frothing in me
waiting for me to
burst at the seams
but its not proper
to scream
to question God
to ask for answers
that will never come
to tremble
so much
with empty arms

06/23/08 10:10 pm

Saturday, July 5th, 2008

who deserves this
the pity in their eyes
the uncomfortable silences
the quick glances away
trying to explain myself
normal
so I am no longer
a concern
all I need
is to smell your sweetness
is to touch your soft new skin
to look in those eyes
and see my own
reflected back
I’m just left with
emptiness
and cards to explain
my grief
which does not go away