06/24/08 11:40 pm

July 5th, 2008 by cathy

sometimes I feel
so beat down
so hollowed out
I no longer feel real
a rag doll
with the stuffing removed
a book with the pages torn out
an empty ripped up bag
I feel sometimes
like no one understands
I am alone and stranded
in a dark and treacherous land
unable to see
I trip and stumble
I scrape my knees
there is no one to guide me
no one to settle my thoughts
no one to put me at ease
no one to set me free
I sometimes feel
old and used up
dry and brittle
ancient and alone
waiting for the moment to come
that one moment to change my life
but it never does
I call out
hoping for an answer back
but in the darkness
all I hear is my echoing question
over and
over and
over again

BTW, I don’t really feel that way. I know that I am truly blessed with some great friends that look out for me and offer me support. Many of you read my blog. I’d say that you can’t even begin to imagine how much you guys mean to me right now, but I think you can… which helps even more because you know how I feel. I try letting people know that I’m okay, and mostly I am, but on nights like these I just get so bummed when I absentmindedly rub my belly, thinking the baby is there or when I see an outfit that I’ve already bought, or I think about what the baby might have been like. On those nights I just want to spend some time being sad. I’m not depressed. I can be happy. How could I not be happy when I have such a joy in my life? Jack is so precious to me. I cannot even imagine what I would do without him, and I do not wish to imagine what I would do.
Anyway. I just want to say thanks.

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