January 14th, 2007 by cathy

I just feel so sad.
I don’t really know how to explain it. I just feel so weary and useless. I try to hide it from people, but sometimes, I think my sister sees it. Or my mom. It’ll go away again, but its always there in the background. It makes me feel so weak. I feel this way now. There are so many things I should be doing. So many things that I need to do. But I just can’t. I feel so tired and weak. So alone. And I don’t think that there’s anything I can do about it. I can’t really tell anyone. My feelings are so very small in the grand scheme of the world. I know people that have had loved ones die, have had cancer, have had awful things happen to them. What’s happened to me? Nothing. I should feel really happy. But sometimes, I just can’t. I know that Jeff tells me not to get sad. But sometimes it just doesn’t work that way. I just get so tired and bleary.

small speck.
doesn’t really matter.
no one need bother.
no one sees it.

except me.
I see it. I feel it.
its this tiny dark speck in my heart.
burning and aching.
but there’s nothing to be done about it.
I must live alone with this burden.

Try to be strong.
Though it weighs me down so.
It hurts and makes me weak.
No one wants to know.
I can’t let them know.
They will hurt me more.
Break me.

2 Responses to “Sometimes…”

  1. samantha Says:

    i know how you feel cathy. i feel the same way a lot of times. it’s a feeling that comes and goes, with or without tears and depressing poetry. i feel useless yet i can’t make myself useful. i feel so alone and loveless, like i was made to be alone. who decides these things anyway? why do i have to feel like this when everyone else can be happy in his or her deluded life? why can’t i just brush stuff like that off my shoulders and not obessively worry about every little thing i do? i know we should be happy when happy things are happening all around but i just can’t sometimes. some people mistake it for a raw pessimistic outlook, but in reality it is this depressed state peaking out through the surface. and why do we have to be constantly happy? being like that makes me tired. like i am just being fake to everyone because everyone else would rather believe that happy = normality. i am beginning to believe that this is far from the truth and that life is misery dotted with a few blissful yet quickly passing moments.

    i don’t know whether or not this will make you feel better (probably just the opposite in fact). my hope is that while you feel blek-y right now, it will soon pass and you will feel better about life. as long as the feeling comes AND goes, then i would assume that you have nothing to worry about. my problem is that it seems like this mental state of being for me is having shorter and shorter intermissions. i am worried that some day soon something drastic (in my p.o.v) is going to happen, then the curtain closes, and I’ll have a breakdown. i feel its inevitability, but i know that i will try to prolong it as much as i can. sometimes i do feel better, such as when i was with you guys in Disney world or just hanging out at home while you played with jack. it’s sad that i don’t get to do those things here with you guys, but i don’t think that separation is a cause of this mental state. i feel like it’s a natural progression of my life or a response as to how i have lived my life up until now. maybe this is a warning to you to tell you a part of your life needs to change to make these episodes of depression less and less. i am still trying to figure this one out.

    this is probably a bunch of poocaaca. i don’t know what i am talking about.

  2. cathy Says:

    I really didn’t mean to post this in public. I made it a private message, but somehow it ended showing up for the world. to see. I told Sam, and she said I should just leave it up, so its still here. Even though its completely embarrassing.

    BTW, what you say isn’t poo-poo-cacca. Its nice to have someone else open up and be honest especially when you’ve opened up your heart and blathered on about your most embarrassing feelings.

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