Cathy the Librarian

FHEW! I thought this message had been deleted. Luckily it was not so.

In a little less than a month life will be changing drastically, and hopefully for the better for all of us. Its so amazing all these things that you plan on doing, all the things you plan on accomplishing and then suddenly months have gone by and you wonder where they went… well I guess I know where they went. They went into a new job, helping plan a state-wide conference, being pregnant, getting stuck in the Facebook monstrosity and having a four-year-old that, for some reason, wants to spend time with and do things with mommy. Jeepers.

The whole pregnancy has been going really well. Even less trouble than I had with Jack. No swelling, no low fluid levels, she’s very active, healthy heart (we had a special heart ultrasound done due to family issues) and the twenty week ultrasound didn’t show anything that we should be scared of… Its been a pretty awesome pregnancy. I’ve been tired, having to pee a lot and wake up a lot at night, but that’s to be expected. Its fascinating watching her move around in there, and while that’s one of the more annoying things this pregnancy, I’m also going to miss it. Its so amazing to think that there’s this living thing growing inside me and moving around to get comfortable… without any luck I’m guessing because she moves ALL THE TIME.

Its been so hard though because while on the one hand, this pregnancy has been going really well, on the other hand, after two miscarriages I just want to be done and holding a healthy baby girl. I can’t bear to have something be wrong. I can’t imagine how women do it. Miscarriage after miscarriage. Seeing other women who are pregnant or have little healthy babies. Its so agonizing.

I’ve been lucky though. In my new job the women are so wonderful and they always seem to have an eye on me, making sure that I’m okay. That really means the world to me, because I was so afraid to leave my previous job for exactly that reason. I worked in a job that was so much more. It was also a family where they looked out for each other. Luckily, I have that here too.

Unfortunately, I have to work up until the contractions. I only have 24 days of vacation I can use, so I need to make them all count. Its a pain, but its so worth it. I want to be able to spend as much time as I can with her the first few weeks. They change and grow so much that all the beautiful little baby stuff disappears quickly… not that I don’t love the four year old boy stuff too.

That’s going to be another big thing to get used to too. Jack is getting so independent. He’s quite articulate, he’s potty trained, he sleeps through the night, he can play by himself. She’s going to be so dependent on us. Its going to be like starting from scratch.

Uh oh. So much for Jack sleeping through the night. He just woke up. Time to go and cuddle my little guy.

Tuesday I went to work and as I was about to leave I began to feel awful. I got dizzy, sweaty and I could hardly walk or talk. Having some sense in my head, I went back inside. I called Jeff and told him, then called the doctor. As I was talking to a nurse I started to bleed. They said that they would talk to someone and call me back. I called Jeff and asked him to pick me up because there was absolutely no way that I was going to drive. He came and picked me up (still no word from the doctor) and we figured we would just start driving to the doctor’s office. I called them back and they felt that I should go to triage at the hospital.

Once at the hospital, I talked to a doctor and they decided to do an ultrasound. She found the baby and its heartbeat. It was even moving around a little. Unfortunately, what she didn’t find is any amniotic fluid. She found another doctor to get a second opinion, but she said the same thing. Turns out that I had broken my water. A baby that small can’t survive without amniotic fluid and its still too small to exist outside the mother. They said that I could wait and see if I could produce more fluid, but that it was very likely that the baby could die by that point or that I could get a serious infection. You can see where I’m going with this.

They admitted me Tuesday night around 7 pm and had me take some pills to induce labor. At a about 7 the next morning, I started getting really painful cramps and at around 7:45 I went into labor. By 8 am it was over.

They said that I could hold it, but I knew that it would make things a million times worse. They said that I could take pictures home and they make little memory boxes, but I really couldn’t bear to do that either. I also had the option of doing a private cremation and taking the remains home… I don’t know… I guess all these things made it feel more real, more like losing a baby… I just keep trying to tell myself that at 1/2 pound it was too small to live on its own, so that it wasn’t a real baby. It may seem harsh to some people, but I just really don’t want to think of it in any other way. It was an it… I didn’t want to know the gender, didn’t want to name it, didn’t want to bury it… I thought that maybe that thinking of things that way would make it easier to bear. I want to be strong. I was so very wrong. I keep thinking of the delivery, keep thinking of how empty I feel now, keep thinking of how much this baby was wanted, how long we’ve been wanting another one… I want to be strong for Jack, but something will pop into my head and I’ll just start to cry. I have to take the next week off for work and I was trying to cancel meetings and get everything set, but every time I talk to someone on the phone I start to cry.

Friends and family have been wonderfully supportive, but I’m afraid to start talking for fear that I’ll start to cry more. I don’t want to bother people or make them feel uncomfortable. Some of my library friends (whether co-workers or fellow librarians, I still don’t know) gave me flowers, which I really appreciated, but it made me cry more.

Luckily (hah) this all happened before we were supposed to have the anatomical ultrasound, because that’s when we’d know if it was a girl or boy. For some reason, I think knowing the gender would make it more real, because I wouldn’t just be able to call it an it. Plus we were going to bring Jack to the ultrasound, so he might have understood about being a big brother more. At least now we won’t have to talk about it unless Jack brings it up himself. I’m hoping that since he’s only three he won’t ask about it.

Since I was so far along, I also have to endure all the baggage that comes with post-pregnancy, without the joys of a screaming baby that you get to feed and change poopy diapers. There’s bleeding and lactating and hormones. Plus I have to take off the next week to recuperate. On the one hand, its good because I don’t want to start crying in front of patrons, but on the other hand being alone with Jack means that I have more time to think. I really don’t want to think. Thank goodness Sally is going to let me work from home for a bit.

I keep telling myself that all this is making me a stronger person. After two miscarriages, I will really be able to be sympathetic and understanding if a friend has one… I really wish that I couldn’t understand this well.

All I want is one more baby… not three, not ten. Just one more baby and then we’re done. Unfortunately, I don’t know how many more times I can go through this. I’m not one of those people that absolutely love being pregnant. I just love the outcome. I hate the swelling, the discomfort, the pain, the mood swings and crankiness. I hate that I am not all there for Jeff. I hate worrying that something bad will happen. I hate worrying that what I’m doing or eating could be bad for the baby. I absolutely hate that my anti-seizure medicine (Lamictal) tells me that I should discontinue use if I become pregnant and so my doctor increased my dosage…

I will move on from this. I will become pregnant. I will have another wonderful child and be an absolutely wonderful and doting mother. I will not allow this to take over my life. I will not spend thousands of dollars to try and become pregnant. If I can’t become pregnant, maybe we’ll talk about adopting. Or maybe I could just be happy with one terrific kid. I would like to give him a brother or sister, but if that can’t happen… I guess that’s just the way it was meant to be then.

I will survive. I know it’ll take time and tons more tears, but I will get better. I just thank the great Spaghetti Monster above that I have such a great family, such great friends, such great librarian friends and absolutely wonderful co-workers. Plus I have the most adorable son in the world and a husband who is there for me no matter what.

Oh well. Off to get some tissues.

They (yes the mysterious they) say that in order to get pregnant, you need to get relaxed and comfortable and not think about getting pregnant. I was pretty messed up after the miscarriage and afraid I wouldn’t be able to get pregnant. The girly cruise couldn’t have come at a more perfect time. I was stressed and really in need of vacation. By the time I got back, I really missed my little family, but I was relaxed.

It didn’t take too long before I found out that I was pregnant!! I had a little trouble early on so I’ve already had an ultrasound and everything looks good. On the 28th I’m supposed to have the special ultrasound where I find out the gender. I know its “controversial”, but I want to find out if its a girl or boy. I have a girl name picked, but no boy name, partly because I’m determined that its a girl. If not, I’ll love having three men in my house, but a girl would be nice. If its a girl, I want to call her Lyla Jane. It turns out that one of the librarians of MCLS has the same name. And while I really like her, I actually chose the name because Lyla was my great-grandma’s name and Jane was my previous choir director.

I’ve been really tired this pregnancy, I can’t remember anything, the small of my back has been hurting, I can’t (or shouldn’t) pick up Jack (and his 40 lbs of little guy) anymore, I’ve been pretty queezy recently and certain foods have been putting me off.  All these things remind me that I’m still pregnant, so even though I’m uncomfortable, I’m still pregnant.

Jack’s really excited about being a big brother soon. I think he’d really like to help out and take care of the new baby. He’s started going up to little babies when we see them and he gets really hyper and happy… although its probably a little too much for the babies. We’ll have to work on that some. Needless to say, I think he’ll like being a big brother.

On Wednesday, I’ll be 19 weeks pregnant, almost halfway there!

Jeeze, its almost midnight, three hours past my bedtime! 🙂

Yes. I’m still alive. Barely, but I’m here. Jeff has been threatening to get rid of my blog. Finally (as you can see) his pestering paid off. Its just other people do so much better than I, so I read other blogs, like Adrienne’s, Libba’s, Samantha’s and of course, the librarians at “A Librarian’s Guide to Etiquette“. I also have to keep up on my Lumines playing on my PSP and all the kids and teens books I’m reading. Its funny, Jeff was saying that he sometimes wishes I wasn’t a Youth Services Librarian, because then I would read adult (tee hee) books.

Anyway, what’s been going on in my life? I’ll give you the brief bits and then try and go into details into other posts. Here’s the bits:

1. March 5th I found out that I was eight weeks pregnant! Wheee! I’m due on October 15th.
2. May 28th I have the ultrasound. I’d really like a girl, because I have a girl name in mind, but any child of mine will be wonderful. 🙂
3. March 30th Jack had his third birthday
4. April 5th we had our third annual Teen Book Festival
5. April 18th I turned 29 … god, my last year in the twenties.
6. April 24th – May 4th the family and I went to Disney World.
7. I managed to do all my summer reading planning right before and after the Disney vacation.

Looking at this I’ve got about four blog posts I need to put together. Of course, if I posted as things were happening, I wouldn’t have to do this, but I’m like a cat. Easily distracted.

Onto the in depth posts… now that its 11 pm? Jeeze. Past my bedtime. Pregnancy has done that to me. I’m ready to go to bed at 9:30 pm nowadays. But because I love Jeff and he’s being a pest, I’ll post about one of them. 🙂