Cathy the Librarian

Here I am again to warn you… POETRY ALERT!!
After typing down these poems, I realized that this is often how I write poetry. I try not to think about them too much, but I blast them out as quickly as possible, which is why, as you’ll find out, instead of naming the poems, I just gave them the date and time that I wrote them. Plus, I find that giving names to poems is often more time consuming than actually writing the poems.
I also want to let you know that I am not depressed. These poems may allude to a great inner turmoil. I am sad, but I’m not even sad all the time. I usually get into my “poetry mood” by putting in a Sting cd (especially “Soul Cages”) or listening to my “sad mix” on my mp3 player, mostly Whale Rider, which if you have seen it, you’ll understand. I also don’t make a habit of writing happy poems. Its not really my thing. I don’t think I will ever be allowed to write children’s poetry. Shel Silverstein and Jack Prelutsky I am not.
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Here’s the original message:
I’ve not been up to writing. Every time I think about writing, I see that post and.. blah. However Jeff has been pestering me to write again, so I figure I should. When I say I haven’t been writing, that’s not absolutely true. I have a paper journal that I sometimes write in. One night in June I wrote almost a dozen poems about feeling bummed and helpless. I started to think that since my sister can get up the courage to put her poetry up on her blog… I guess I can too. They’re really awful, so I warn you now. Of course you won’t see this until after you read my stuff, so maybe I should warn you after too.

BTW, I’m doing better, but then I get to thinking about it, or I see a very pregnant person and I get all melancholy. Its interesting though, if I have to let someone I haven’t seen in a while know about it I feel like I need to console them and let them know its okay. Maybe that’s the public servant in me, needing to make sure that everyone’s okay.

I’ve not been up to writing. Every time I think about writing, I see that post and.. blah. However Jeff has been pestering me to write again, so I figure I should. When I say I haven’t been writing, that’s not absolutely true. I have a paper journal that I sometimes write in. One night in June I wrote almost a dozen poems about feeling bummed and helpless. I started to think that since my sister can get up the courage to put her poetry up on her blog… I guess I can too. They’re really awful, so I warn you now. Of course you won’t see this until after you read my stuff, so maybe I should warn you after too. 🙂

BTW, I’m doing better, but then I get to thinking about it, or I see a very pregnant person and I get all melancholy. Its interesting though, if I have to let someone I haven’t seen in a while know about it I feel like I need to console them and let them know its okay. Maybe that’s the public servant in me, needing to make sure that everyone’s okay.

Tuesday I went to work and as I was about to leave I began to feel awful. I got dizzy, sweaty and I could hardly walk or talk. Having some sense in my head, I went back inside. I called Jeff and told him, then called the doctor. As I was talking to a nurse I started to bleed. They said that they would talk to someone and call me back. I called Jeff and asked him to pick me up because there was absolutely no way that I was going to drive. He came and picked me up (still no word from the doctor) and we figured we would just start driving to the doctor’s office. I called them back and they felt that I should go to triage at the hospital.

Once at the hospital, I talked to a doctor and they decided to do an ultrasound. She found the baby and its heartbeat. It was even moving around a little. Unfortunately, what she didn’t find is any amniotic fluid. She found another doctor to get a second opinion, but she said the same thing. Turns out that I had broken my water. A baby that small can’t survive without amniotic fluid and its still too small to exist outside the mother. They said that I could wait and see if I could produce more fluid, but that it was very likely that the baby could die by that point or that I could get a serious infection. You can see where I’m going with this.

They admitted me Tuesday night around 7 pm and had me take some pills to induce labor. At a about 7 the next morning, I started getting really painful cramps and at around 7:45 I went into labor. By 8 am it was over.

They said that I could hold it, but I knew that it would make things a million times worse. They said that I could take pictures home and they make little memory boxes, but I really couldn’t bear to do that either. I also had the option of doing a private cremation and taking the remains home… I don’t know… I guess all these things made it feel more real, more like losing a baby… I just keep trying to tell myself that at 1/2 pound it was too small to live on its own, so that it wasn’t a real baby. It may seem harsh to some people, but I just really don’t want to think of it in any other way. It was an it… I didn’t want to know the gender, didn’t want to name it, didn’t want to bury it… I thought that maybe that thinking of things that way would make it easier to bear. I want to be strong. I was so very wrong. I keep thinking of the delivery, keep thinking of how empty I feel now, keep thinking of how much this baby was wanted, how long we’ve been wanting another one… I want to be strong for Jack, but something will pop into my head and I’ll just start to cry. I have to take the next week off for work and I was trying to cancel meetings and get everything set, but every time I talk to someone on the phone I start to cry.

Friends and family have been wonderfully supportive, but I’m afraid to start talking for fear that I’ll start to cry more. I don’t want to bother people or make them feel uncomfortable. Some of my library friends (whether co-workers or fellow librarians, I still don’t know) gave me flowers, which I really appreciated, but it made me cry more.

Luckily (hah) this all happened before we were supposed to have the anatomical ultrasound, because that’s when we’d know if it was a girl or boy. For some reason, I think knowing the gender would make it more real, because I wouldn’t just be able to call it an it. Plus we were going to bring Jack to the ultrasound, so he might have understood about being a big brother more. At least now we won’t have to talk about it unless Jack brings it up himself. I’m hoping that since he’s only three he won’t ask about it.

Since I was so far along, I also have to endure all the baggage that comes with post-pregnancy, without the joys of a screaming baby that you get to feed and change poopy diapers. There’s bleeding and lactating and hormones. Plus I have to take off the next week to recuperate. On the one hand, its good because I don’t want to start crying in front of patrons, but on the other hand being alone with Jack means that I have more time to think. I really don’t want to think. Thank goodness Sally is going to let me work from home for a bit.

I keep telling myself that all this is making me a stronger person. After two miscarriages, I will really be able to be sympathetic and understanding if a friend has one… I really wish that I couldn’t understand this well.

All I want is one more baby… not three, not ten. Just one more baby and then we’re done. Unfortunately, I don’t know how many more times I can go through this. I’m not one of those people that absolutely love being pregnant. I just love the outcome. I hate the swelling, the discomfort, the pain, the mood swings and crankiness. I hate that I am not all there for Jeff. I hate worrying that something bad will happen. I hate worrying that what I’m doing or eating could be bad for the baby. I absolutely hate that my anti-seizure medicine (Lamictal) tells me that I should discontinue use if I become pregnant and so my doctor increased my dosage…

I will move on from this. I will become pregnant. I will have another wonderful child and be an absolutely wonderful and doting mother. I will not allow this to take over my life. I will not spend thousands of dollars to try and become pregnant. If I can’t become pregnant, maybe we’ll talk about adopting. Or maybe I could just be happy with one terrific kid. I would like to give him a brother or sister, but if that can’t happen… I guess that’s just the way it was meant to be then.

I will survive. I know it’ll take time and tons more tears, but I will get better. I just thank the great Spaghetti Monster above that I have such a great family, such great friends, such great librarian friends and absolutely wonderful co-workers. Plus I have the most adorable son in the world and a husband who is there for me no matter what.

Oh well. Off to get some tissues.

They (yes the mysterious they) say that in order to get pregnant, you need to get relaxed and comfortable and not think about getting pregnant. I was pretty messed up after the miscarriage and afraid I wouldn’t be able to get pregnant. The girly cruise couldn’t have come at a more perfect time. I was stressed and really in need of vacation. By the time I got back, I really missed my little family, but I was relaxed.

It didn’t take too long before I found out that I was pregnant!! I had a little trouble early on so I’ve already had an ultrasound and everything looks good. On the 28th I’m supposed to have the special ultrasound where I find out the gender. I know its “controversial”, but I want to find out if its a girl or boy. I have a girl name picked, but no boy name, partly because I’m determined that its a girl. If not, I’ll love having three men in my house, but a girl would be nice. If its a girl, I want to call her Lyla Jane. It turns out that one of the librarians of MCLS has the same name. And while I really like her, I actually chose the name because Lyla was my great-grandma’s name and Jane was my previous choir director.

I’ve been really tired this pregnancy, I can’t remember anything, the small of my back has been hurting, I can’t (or shouldn’t) pick up Jack (and his 40 lbs of little guy) anymore, I’ve been pretty queezy recently and certain foods have been putting me off.  All these things remind me that I’m still pregnant, so even though I’m uncomfortable, I’m still pregnant.

Jack’s really excited about being a big brother soon. I think he’d really like to help out and take care of the new baby. He’s started going up to little babies when we see them and he gets really hyper and happy… although its probably a little too much for the babies. We’ll have to work on that some. Needless to say, I think he’ll like being a big brother.

On Wednesday, I’ll be 19 weeks pregnant, almost halfway there!

Jeeze, its almost midnight, three hours past my bedtime! 🙂

Yes. I’m still alive. Barely, but I’m here. Jeff has been threatening to get rid of my blog. Finally (as you can see) his pestering paid off. Its just other people do so much better than I, so I read other blogs, like Adrienne’s, Libba’s, Samantha’s and of course, the librarians at “A Librarian’s Guide to Etiquette“. I also have to keep up on my Lumines playing on my PSP and all the kids and teens books I’m reading. Its funny, Jeff was saying that he sometimes wishes I wasn’t a Youth Services Librarian, because then I would read adult (tee hee) books.

Anyway, what’s been going on in my life? I’ll give you the brief bits and then try and go into details into other posts. Here’s the bits:

1. March 5th I found out that I was eight weeks pregnant! Wheee! I’m due on October 15th.
2. May 28th I have the ultrasound. I’d really like a girl, because I have a girl name in mind, but any child of mine will be wonderful. 🙂
3. March 30th Jack had his third birthday
4. April 5th we had our third annual Teen Book Festival
5. April 18th I turned 29 … god, my last year in the twenties.
6. April 24th – May 4th the family and I went to Disney World.
7. I managed to do all my summer reading planning right before and after the Disney vacation.

Looking at this I’ve got about four blog posts I need to put together. Of course, if I posted as things were happening, I wouldn’t have to do this, but I’m like a cat. Easily distracted.

Onto the in depth posts… now that its 11 pm? Jeeze. Past my bedtime. Pregnancy has done that to me. I’m ready to go to bed at 9:30 pm nowadays. But because I love Jeff and he’s being a pest, I’ll post about one of them. 🙂

In less than six days Jack is turning THREE! I can’t believe so much time has gone by! He’s gotten so big! He’s turned into quite the little man. Full of ideas and stories. I must say I’ve grown quite attached to him. 🙂 I honestly can’t imagine what I would do without him. Sure I’d have tons of free time, but no little hugs and kisses, no stories at bedtime, no poopy diapers, no screaming and crying, no having to practice tons of patience. I love being a mom, and I love my little guy!
Happy almost birthday!

Both Jeff and Jack have the flu. Jeff got it a couple of days ago… hmm he’s been out since Wednesday. And Jack started feeling not so good this morning. Luckily, I had the presence of mind to take Jack to the doctor’s “open hours” this morning, and I told her how Jeff has the flu. At the time, Jack only had a sinus infection, and wasn’t showing signs of the flu, but she gave me a prescription for some flu medicine. We went to “Cookie Wegmans”, filled the prescription, got our cookie and went home. We all went upstairs to take a nap together.
A little later, I wake to Jack crying a little, then he starts coughing and yuck, brings cookie wegmans up all over the bed, his clothes and my shirt. I get him naked to cool him off, but even after a couple of minutes, he has a temperature of 102. We give him a bath and it goes down, but up it comes again (luckily not food) so I decide to fill the medicine. They didn’t have it at the first place I went to, and the man who helped me said that I could wait until Monday. MONDAY! My son has a fever! There was no way that I was going to wait. So I had to go across town, because two Wegmans nearby didn’t have anything… that’s scary. Lots of little kids in Rochester with the flu. Poor things. Of course, all I had on my mind was that I needed to get back to my little man. 🙁 Then I get to the Wegmans across town, and I wait FORTY MINUTES, so that they can open a box, crack open a bottle, put it in some machine that shakes the medicine really good, put it back in the box and hand it to me. Hello people, my (almost) three year old son has a FEVER! I want to comfort him and cuddle with him!
So I get home, give him the disgusting stuff that he doesn’t want to take and we cuddle up and watch Sense and Sensibility (and play the Cars game on his leapster).
Weekends can be so lovely!

but I LOVE having a harness for my son. He wants so badly to be independent, but he’s still so little that he doesn’t always listen to me. Really, he NEVER listens to me. He never wants to be in a stroller, and god forbid if I want to hold his hand.

Today, I went to the Monroe Community Hospital for their Harvest Craft Fair with my mom, grandmother, sister and Jack. Jack was full of beans while we were there. He was into everything, even with the harness. My sister was holding him as he pulled and she overheard a (youngish) woman saying, “How horrible, they’re children, not animals! That’s disgusting.” How dare she?! Soon after, we were talking to a vendor (who was a grandmother) and she mentioned that she loved those harnesses. She stated that she would rather know that the child was safe and close by, rather than let him run free. She said that it was especially important during these times because there are just so many terrible people out there. Plus they could easily wriggle out of your hand and run into the street.

I completely agreed with everything she said! Why then, did it still sort of hurt to hear what the other woman said? I’ll try not to let it bother me, since I won’t stop using the harness, but it still upsets me that people can’t see how wonderful they are. I don’t go almost anywhere without my harness. I just feel safer.

Oh well, we can’t make everyone happy, can we?

I want to try and make a couple of those drawstring bookbags. One for me (of course) and a couple as Christmas presents. Supposedly, they’re very easy to make, but I’ve only used a sewing machine a couple of times. I like making special homemade presents for Christmas, and not always just giving presents that I had to punch people out to get. The bags would be for my nieces, and I’ll try to make some things for other people in my life. I think it really shows people that I care about them that I made something unique and just for them.

On a humorous note, the Christmas displays have been going up everywhere (not funny) and I’ve asked Jack what certain things are. He knew snowman, penguin and reindeer, however whenever I point to Santa Claus, he says, “CLOWN!” I love kids.

Monday I decided to go to the doctor’s to get checked out for the spotting. Once I got to the office at around 3 pm, I started bleeding a lot more. After waiting almost two hours, I finally got to see the doctor. By that time I was having pretty awful cramps and the bleeding got really heavy. The doctor said that it was most likely a miscarriage, but she wanted me to go to the hospital for an ultrasound to make sure.  By the time I left (Jeff came to pick me up, the sweetie) it was 5:45 pm.

We got to Strong, and they got us in pretty quickly. The bleeding just seemed to get heavier and heavier. They put an IV on me and drew some blood. One of the people doing it was a student, and it hurt quite a bit. Jeff watched my face, and my expression was too much for him to handle, so he almost passed out. Poor guy. Throughout the whole thing Jeff was really good to me.

Eventually we got in for the ultrasound. They said that there really wasn’t anything in there except for some clots, and that by the look of it, there probably hadn’t been a baby there anyway. What probably happened is that my body absorbed the baby much earlier and my body still thought I was pregnant.

Finally we checked out at about midnight. Just as we were leaving, I started feeling dizzy and sweaty so I sat down. I started feeling worse, so I went up to Jeff and then I passed out in his arms. I came to pretty quick, but I realized that I hadn’t eaten in about 11 hours.  They brought me back in, I had some icky cookies and some orange juice, and after a couple minutes, I felt better. We went out and Jeff got me a roast beef sandwich, and the new medicine I needed to take.  We eventually got home at 12:45 am.

Early on I felt horrible. Eventually I started feeling better and by the ultrasound, I was ready to move on. However now I’m starting to feel very melancholy, and I just want to sleep.  At first, I wasn’t sure whether or not to post this, but I think I really needed to write things down and get things off my chest. It helped a little, but I still feel a little sad. I might be pretty useless for the next couple days, I think.

Thanks for everyone’s prayers. It really feels good to know that when I really need people, they are there for me. I love all of you. 🙂